I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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