i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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