I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
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So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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