I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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