today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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