What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
