...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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