I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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