He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
A+ Viking dick
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
