so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
