Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
