thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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