That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
