if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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