how can u be prego again
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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