Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
