we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
