I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
