I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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