I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
