Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
