Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
