I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize