I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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