It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
