I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
