woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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