my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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