Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
