There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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