I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
