i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
