This is not my ceiling
Small penises have feelings too.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
