Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
