Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
