i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
God I need to hump something, right now.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
