you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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