i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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