someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
