i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
