if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
