Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
