I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
