im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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