he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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