Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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