I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
