Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
