1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize