Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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