i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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