i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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