Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
