Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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